Monday was Valentines Day, which I apparently spent, and I’m quoting here “sitting at a table with [Previous Hook-Up] holding hands and staring into each others eyes.” I have no memory of this. I was incensed. When Sean told me, I promised to deliver unmentionable suffering upon his person if he did not stop spreading this slanderous filth. That’s when he went to the video replay.
TheBar has surveillance cameras and the Manager loves to give me shit, so when he saw how I was spending this most sacred of Hallmark Holidays he made sure to save the tape. We walked down stairs and there on the screen was exactly what Sean had described to me. I was disgusted with myself as a man and all I wanted to do was get in the shower and scrub myself like a rape victim. It was horrible.
Anyway, apart from this disgusting display, V-Day got me thinking about all of my past “relationships.” To say that they failed would be to imply that, at some point, they had even a remote chance of success. There was the 19-year-old I turned into a lesbian. Twice. The Hooters chick that stole my cat. On my birthday. The stripper who tried to run me over with her car. And who could forget, the girl who tried to stab me and , upon failing to do so, broke a beer bottle on the back of my head. But then there was you. You know who you are. . .
You’ve always been there for me, as far back as I can remember. Always stood by my side never judging, always loving. You aren’t like the others. You always put my needs first and you’re so easy to hang out with. No fancy dinners, no boring conversations, no lavish gifts, you’re content to just be around me. You like all my friends and enjoy a ballgame or a few drinks at the bar as much as a quiet night alone. Best of all, you always seem to be there when I need you.
And the sex. Dear god, it’s glorious. You always seem to know exactly what I like. With out even asking you are willing to please me as often as I want. Concerned only with my happiness, you ask nothing in return. No cuddling no pillow talk, as soon as I’m satisfied you light me a cigarette, crack me a beer and change the channel to ESPN.
Sure, we’ve had our problems. I’m sorry about all the cheating but I always come back to you don’t I? You’re the one I love, those others didn’t mean anything to me you know that. I’m sorry about your sister, it was a horrible drunken mistake. You two look so much alike. Can you ever forgive me? I want you back. I want us to be together forever. I’m sorry to do it like this but I wanted everyone to know. I wanted to prove to you that you’re the one I want. I thought this was the best way to do it.
I don’t know if it makes any difference but I still carry your picture with me. I love you.
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